Today has to be one of the hardest days and a faith building one. I was excited for today and yet have had an uneasy feeling for a while now and was hoping it was just me over thinking everything. I headed to the Doctor to find out my due date for the 4th little one that would be blessing our home. We went in and I was measuring 8weeks 1 day (around where we were thinking I was). He then measured everything but I wasn't seeing the flutter of the heart you normally see. He then said they wanted to try a vaginal ultrasound and see if he can get a clearer picture. I changed and got ready and made the comment to Boston about no heart beat but maybe I was wrong. He came back with a nurse and kept trying for a heart beat and then the dr came in. I knew in my heart what was going on. He told me that unfortunately for some reason in the last couple days the baby's heart stopped. He then told me to change and we can discuss from there what to do. The ultrasound tech and nurse gave me a hug and said they were sorry then we were left. I cried a little then went in the consult room where another Doctor with tears in her eyes came to talk to me. To apologize and tell me how she has had 3 herself and it hurt her to see me go through it. They said I can wait for nature to take its course or do a d & c. I told them I wanted to just wait and if things didn't happen would go back next week for a d & c.
As we left I just wanted to run to the car and release all the tears welling up. I cried all the way to where we were going for lunch. I have cried off and on but have felt so much peace and comfort. I know the Lord has a plan for me and my family and through a priesthood blessing that the baby fulfilled its purpose. I know the Lord loves me and understands my hurt. I am grateful for eternal families. I am terrified as the days progress and I miscarry this baby. However, I am comforted that I will have the strength to get through it. I am grateful for the 3 little blessings I have already had. I am so lucky there are so many who can't have children and my first three pregnancies resulted in three beautiful children. I am thankful for this trial and the way it has already humbled and taught me so much. I am grateful for the gospel and knowledge that I will get to see my baby. I grateful for eternal families. I am also thankful for the wonderful man I have to help me through this hard time.
